IN THE QUIET OF THE MORNING I CRY....

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IN THE QUIET OF THE MORNING I CRY....Created on
Nov 8, 2008 8:23 AM by 6xagranny

So many thoughts going thru my head, so many emotions running thru my arms (I feel things in my arms) So many questions, I can't get answers too. For some reason the shows I want to watch are on a station that won't come in right, so I'm left busy with my thoughts. I'm tryin hard to think of other things but I think of my mother. The one thing that's always there though is "Doesn't she miss us?" Us being me and my brothers. We've all had this problem for many years. Consoling each other, counseling each other about her voluntary absence from our lives. Its crazy cause I've realized that no matter how old you are you want your mom at some points in your life...When she divorced my father when I was 22, she divorced me and my brothers. I miss my father. We had a relationship, so when I think of him its a good thing. I'm at peace knowing he and I knew we loved one another at the end and always. I'm gonna die never having known my mom. I know her name, her birthdate, she has freckles that are now faded. In her younger years she was a redhead. I think my dad always felt inferior around my moms parents. I know he wasn't their favorite person(not for nothing). He was a poor Italian boy with 12 siblings, and they were middle class people with one child, my mother.I cry for my children and my childrens children for not knowing her. I cry for her for not knowing them .What a loss.I am the matriarch of my family and the responsibility of that is huge!!! Its a responsibility I take very serious. If it wasn't for the fact that she hasn't just dissed me from her life, but my younger brothers I would have taken it more personal.I know I've done a lot of crazy things in my life, but nothing enough for her to hold a grudge all these years. Okay so I married 2 guys she didn't like. My life!!! So I ran away a few times as a rebellious teenager.So I got caught smoking cigarettes wallking the dog around the block.So I was arrested as a look out for a friend stealing shoes! So they kicked me out of 11th grade cause I wouldnt bring the big Kotex box full of bats and balls, back into the school. (was already given an F for the day, didnt think I should have to bring the box in too!) So I hung with the "bad boys" of Montgomery county Pa, and Collegeville Pa.. So I was caught on the back of a few bikes at age 16. Those days are past, always with me, but gone. She doesnt know me as a woman, an adult, a mother, a grandmother. She's alive on this earth and yet she doesnt care. She's 75 and you would think her own mortality was in front of her, that before she died she would want to clear up some things. I guess shes at peace with the way things are! I ,on the other hand am tormented and feel rejected. Pitiful ain't I?

P.S I wrote this back in november of 2008 in the Harleyhood neighborhood on Ebay..I copied and pasted it here..aka...granny7x....brenda know as 6xagranny on Ebay...




Wow! You guys, when I wrote this in here this morning I really thought people were going to come here and say shake it off, get over it, stop whining, or whatever. I wipe my tears writing this now after reading Urban and Dyna. I used to console my brothers the only way I could(being the oldest) and tell them that it was her loss. Deep down inside when I wiould tell them that I knew it was true, but didn't ease my own pain so I know it didnt ease their either. I keep in touch with my mom, I send her Xmas card, birthday cards, flowers for Mothers day, etc. I write to her all the time trying to find out why shes like this. she lives alone in her own little place. I wrote to her a month ago asking her who takes care of her , whos helping her do everyday things, I told her how my own mortality is in front of me and before I go I want things to be right. She told me she holds no grudge, and that I should just accept that her and I don't have the tradional mother daughter relationship. I try to accept, and I go on with my everyday life. God know I'm kept busy everyday, because I am involved with all 4 of my childrens and all 7 of my grandchildrens lives. I know where they are, and how they are every day of life. I'll tell you what though, I beleive my mother has taught me what kind of mother NOT TO BE., BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT URB AND DYNA ...I'M A DAMN GOOD MOTHER AND EVEN BETTER GRANDMOTHER. You 2 have said more to me today to help that has ever been told to me and I thank you both.Of all the trials and tribulations I've been through in my life,(my house burnt down in 1991, I raised 4 children by myself, etc) this is the one I can't grab by the balls and fling them around and just let go. I will however re-read what you hve said and know that people do care, and for that I pray God speed to you both. Thanks for sharing your story Dyna! By the way, my name is Brenda

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Today is Tuesday October 23, 2012 and my mother has been gone since October of 2011..she passed away the same way she lived ..alone..those reading this will be amongst only a handful of people that will know this..her body was found in her home on December 19,2011 by the police in her town after the mailman noticed her mail overflowing..he reported this and they discovered her body on the floor of her home..she lived in a nice trailer park and had a beautiful place..I got to see it for the first time on December 19,2011 when my brother and I had to go look for a will or some papers she may have left..she wasnt in communication with us so we didnt know what her wishes were..we only knew that she was going to be buried next to her mother and father and her second husband..that the plot was already paid for and there was a tombstone there..she never discussed anything else with any of us..they calculated that she probably passed away around Halloween .her body was decomposed..we couldnt have a regular funeral ..we had her cremated because that was our only choice..we buried her on December 23, 2011..right before Christmas..we had to go on with the holiday for the little childrens sake (my grandchildren)..About a week after we buried her I started getting mail back (with deceased written on the outside) that I had sent her..a Christmas card and a few letters with pictures of my grand children ..which I sent to her often..she liked getting pictures of them...never met then except for the oldest and the last time she saw her was in 2002 when my grandmother (my mothers mother) passed away...Shai was nine at the time..so my mother passed and we never did have lunch and talk about US..I just thought she would break in her elder years and want to get to know me before it was too late...she got her way ..and I still live with this turmoil..I am not as haunted by the disconnect as I was when she was alive..once my children started leaving home and setting up homes of their own I would wake up sporatically (thats how I've always slept) and the house would be so quiet..I would be alone with my thoughts and they always took me to my mother ...doesn't happen anymore..theres closure..I've accepted that the relationship I wanted won't happen,,that I did all I could..I was a good daughter and I can live with that..hope she is resting in Peace...one day we may meet again.. P.S. she didnt leave a will and didnt have insurance of any kind..we are now in the process still a year later of fixing a part of the floor in her home and then we will sell it...slow process and we hope to not have to go into the year 2013 with this over our heads..fingers crossed it will happen that way ..so we can just get on with our lives...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMOM!!!

Although you are no longer physically with us...we think of you often..we talk about you all the time...you are the reason I know how important a grandmother is in a childs life...you have made me the best kind of grandmother..When you were still alive I had only one grandchild...now I have 7...You have been gone for 7 years and I still can't believe you are gone..I thank God I had my grandmom for 49 years of my life..how many can say that..and I truly believe you would still be here if you hadn't fallen..You were healthy and always took care of yourself..I wish we could take that horrible day back..but we can't and life goes on...I miss you more than you know..well maybe you do know..because I know you miss us too..the kids would have loved you so and you would have had another to call "tootsie" first it was me,,,then my daughter Jeanell and probably her daughter Dellaney would have been your new "tootsie"! I don't make apple pie and do all the things you did as the perfect grandmom...but I listen when they talk...I wipe their tears when they cry and have plenty of hugs and kisses for them..I teach them everyday..I read to them..I say prayers at night with them..I can only hope to be half the grandmom you were...we love you MOMMOM and will never ever forget you...HAPPY 97TH BIRTHDAY MOMMOM...PARTY HARDY IN HEAVEN!!! LOVE FROM ALL OF US!!! ME(BRENDA)...ROBERT, DAVINA, CLIFTON, JEANELL, SHAI'ANA, GABRIELLA, DALLAS, DAVION, DELLANEY, BRAYDEN AND JOLIE....

MY SALES ON BONANZLE..

I came to Bonanzle in a weird way..I found someones store on ebay just looking around...she had a lot of 100 pair of earrings for sale and I was interested in them...I messaged her and she told me that she also had them for sale in her booth on Bonanzle...well I'm like what the heck is a Bonanzle?? so she gave some info and within a few days I took the leap...It was easy which was a turn on to me..cause I am so not computer savvy . I still maintain a small store on Ebay but have taken 3/4 of my inventory off of there..I was paying more a month than I was making...I will eventually leave Ebay..I'm doing okay on Bonanzle...would really like to make a killing one day...I have sold 102 things since November of 08...took me way longer than that on Ebay..and cost lots more..I like the interaction with people on Bonanzle..you can go to the forums and chat back and forth..you can quick text them if they are on line at the time they can answer immediatley...you can trade your items with them ..there are auctions..there are fund raisers...there are prayers for the ones that lost someone...you name it..its there like a best friend..Can't tell you the friends I have made on there...I may not personally know them but I consider them my friends...Lots of sales going on right now...Christmas in July in over I think 150 booths...Sunday the 12th there will be a Bonanzle Bonanza Block Party for the whole day..if you're in the need for something write it down and come find it at a great price...You will love it....come meet your future friends...

Cathy died yesterday...

The friend that I wrote about the other day has died...I hate when people say its probably for the best but in this case its probably for the best..her life was over anyway...she was either going to have to spend the rest of her life in rehabilation or in prison...I am so sorry to the family and for the family... she had 6 grandchildren and as far as I know 2 of them were living with Cathy and her husband Joe because their mother had overdosed on drugs years before and they took them in....Now Cathy and Joe are both gone..Can only wonder what the kids are going through right now..I mourn the loss of a friend I hadn't seen in at least 40 years and yet I still feel like a friend..does that somehow not go away....Debbie emailed me and the first words were...Cathy died yesterday...I cried right away and emailed a few of those that would be interested....then Deb went on to talk about her arthritis...something we both have in common...painful yet glad to be alive to feel at all!!! I didn't talk about this on Bonanzle..I thought it too dramatic for the forum..so I tell it here to those that read my stuff......good night...

TODAY IS MY BABY'S BIRTHDAY

My baby being my youngest child, Jeanell..she is 29 years old today..its also one of my dearest friends birthday ..Happy Birthday to both...Where in the world did the time go..It truly went by so fast...I wish her all the happiness that life has to offer...she works hard and deserves the best...Hope I'm around to celebrate lots more birthdays with her....

Must have been at the end of her rope

I received a card in the mail today..I had just assumed it was a thank you card or an invitation of some sort..I opened it without even noticing the return address..I read it..it was from an old high school friend of mine letting me know of a tragedy that another friend of ours was involved in..she told me to google it or to go to the local newspaper on line and look for the article..I grew up in the suburbs of Philly...
It was the tragic story of how my old friend had shot her husband to death in the driveway of their home last friday and how she also shot herself in the head...story says they had been estranged for awhile now after 37 years of marriage and apparently she couldn't or wouldn't live without him..she bought a 38 revolver and they were sitting in their gray pickup in their driveway ready to go to dinner (amicable separation)...she lost it and she shot them both..she is sill alive in a local hospital..they had to remove a bullet from her head...her mom is in a nursing home and they aren't telling her...I haven't seen this friend in 40 years or so...we used to hang together all the time...me ,her and debbie (the one that notified me)..we used to play softball in the summer..I have stone granuales in my knee to prove it...lol...
I am sick to my stomach over this and even threw up yesterday...I am sorry for the death of her husband and can't help wonder what dark dark place she must have been in to do such a horrible thing...I know they have a 28 year old son..not sure if there are more children or not..can't help wonder what happens to her now...rehab I guess for recovery from a bullet to the head...then off to prison I would assume..either way I would say life is over for her....
I woke up this morning with a new perspective.. althought my arthritis is hurting me real bad today..I am thankful to have woken up and to be able to even feel the pain..I woke up to two of the cutest faces ever looking at me saying "Good morning , grandmom"..and I am so grateful for my life...oh I get down at times..but all in all God has been Good to us..I thank him each and every day for my life and hope I get 56 more years out of this journey...