MOTHER ISSUES

Its been a long time since I've written about my mother or since I've had mother issues..ya just never know when this will come to surface...but on facebook someone posted LETS CELEBRATE MOTHERS..PRESS LIKE IT YOU LOVE YOUR MOTHER...well just because I haven't seen my mother in 8 years doesn't mean I don't love her..I do love her...I just don't know her..Oh I know what she looks like ...but I don't know her favorite color...I dont know if she quit smoking..don't know who her friends are..what her dreams are... nothing about her health issues..I know she is 77 years old ..and I know where she lives...I haven't written to her or sent her pictures in quite awhile...I usually do..I didn't seen her anything for Mothers Day this year..I didnt have the money ...guess I could have sent her a card...I just didn't..didnt figure she cared or would even miss it..I hope she had a great day..she hadnever se3nt me anything for Mothers day.Iknow I'm not her mother..but I think I've sent cards or gifts once or twice to my daughters..I dont always have the money to do it every year and they understand..we talk all the time...theres nothing worse than being motherless and your mother is still living....I thought in our older years we should be closer...the end is almost here and we wont even know one another...its her choice though..I've written to her about it and she never really gives me a good reason that its like this..it just is..and I just have to accept it..I never had therapy for this...but I write about it alot...I guess in a way that is my therapy...I feel better now....

these next set of writings were written by me in the WOE(words of encouragement ) on Bonanza on February 25 and 26 , 2011...I only posted my writings although people in between these writings wrote their opinions etc...the title of the WOE is HOW TO MEND A BROKEN HEART..HOST WAS KOOLBEANZ..HER FIRST TIME...


my first broken heart was when I was only 19 years old and just gave birth to my first child…a son…I was married at 18 to a 17 year old who cheated and partied and left me with a new baby…I moved back home with my parents and for months I could not get myself together..I thought it was the end of the world..I thought I would never get over this…but my parents pushed me to get a job and they would help with my son ..so I did…working helped me so much..I met new friends and eventually met and fell and love and married again and went on to have 3 more children..it was a wonderful love story for 15 years and then that too ended…but this time my heart wasn’t so broken…not sure why…maybe I was older and just accepted that some things are just not meant to be….and so the story goes…lol


yeah true koolbeanz and the second marriage was breaking up way before it ended..so I knew what the outcome was gonna be..because I gave up trying to compete with drugs..so it was best…the first time around my heart was busted up all over the place…he cheated and was abusive…and I was so so young…(not trying to get too personal here ,,just being truthful


All four on my children have expereinced broken hearts..2 of them were major…one is still trying to heal and I pray that he will seriously realize that this part of his lifes journey will be his past one day and he will get over this…its been almost a year and finally a few days ago hes sounding positive..like hes finally moving on…and I put it in Gods hands to walk him through this and I will be there if he falls…I think he will be okay though

If a dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again…

To ease anothers heartache is to forget ones own…Abe Lincoln…

The reason birds can fly and we can’t is simply that they have the perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings…

well Judy my mom is 78 and still living and says she wants to live the life of a hermit..shes had nothihng to do with me or my brothers sicne i was 19…that was 39 years ago..Oh I send her Christmas , mothers day and birthday gifts and she always sends thank you notes back to me..I have written her so many letters over the years asking why she has nothing to do with me and my brthters and our children and now our grandchildren and she never really has an answer for us…well I have a broken heart from this as do my brothers still…but we have learned to accept it and live our lives…I blog about my mother and my brothers ,,its good therapy…I just heard from my oldest brother after 9 years of estrangement..can’t even describe what that was like

me and princessgifts7 I see are telling almost the same story…not glad someone else knows how I feel and it is a lonely place to be when you see your friends and their relationships with their moms..and they can see that you hurt ..my father and my mothers mother(ironic) were my rocks and gave me the self esteem I have today…if not for them I think I would be a lost soul today..But from my mom I learned HOW NOT TO BE A MOTHER and therefore I am one of the best moms and grandmoms around…so being neglected by her just happened to become a positive it appears…don’t get me wrong I would do almost anything to it have been the other story ..i never went to lunch with my mom, never went shopping with my mom…my kids are grown and out on their own with families of their own…my mom doesnt know any of them,,,never babysat for me , never had a full conversation with any of my children, so sad..not meaning to be a bummer..just telling my story

thanks koolbeanz..and thats what these WOE threads are all about..and believe me they have said some powerful things to me at certain times…The cycle has definetly been broken ..my daughters are great mothers too..and guess what we all do lunch together..I have 2 sons also and they both have loser fathers ..thats another chapter..lol..but we all do things together all the time and make sure their kids keepin touch and grow up together…love my family…they get on my nerves big time..but I couldnt or wouldnt ask for anyone in their places….thanks to all that have endured my rants….

hello all…I came to Bonanza over 2 years ago..about 6 months later I started a thread called IN THE QUIET OF THE MORNING I CRY and I went on to tell the story that I wrote in the wee hours of the mroning about my mother..and why she doesn’t want me in her life and why it doesn’t seem to mean anything to her ..even in her elder years…the response I received from that thread…either in the thread itself or people bmailing me some even emailed me…some could relate..others felt sorry for me and some had advice..I loved each every response and I have to honestly say that between that thread and talking to my best friend geraldine thrasher (has a booth here) I don’t wake up in the wee hours anymore thinking of my mom and crying over it..I"m not gonna say it doesnt still hurt but I dont dwell on it anymore..it doesnt consume me anymore..so if anyone thinks that this WOE is just for something to do…I can vouch that these words that we find in here at any given time can actually save a life….Believe that!!!

MY GRANDBABY IS GREIVING..

My heart hurts for her ..Iknow how she feels ..when I was her age I lost a few friends...first friend I lost was Carol Wilson..I was in 7th grade I believe...we were 12 ...I think she was 13...she had an older boyfriend dave and he was driving when the car went out of control and went into a little pond...him and 2 other people in the car survived...Carol did not...A friend Warren Clark was killed in a car accident .so was allen Landis...not the same accident..and Duke Bitting..he drowned in the Perkiomen Creek....but back to my granddaughter..her friend DeShawn died from an asthma attack...seems to me that that shouldnt have happened..I dont know all the details...but shai is heartbroken...they were in advisory together and were friends...shes had people pass in her life before...my grandmother..her great granmother..Ella Mae.. Shai was only 8 at the time...she wasn't real close to her ..so this is really the closest I think..and its hard...hard to understand why God would take such a young soul ,,a good soul...in such a way...I dont have the answers for her except to say that God wanted him home...I hope she understands ...and never forgets her friend...thats the best way to keep him here...to keep his memory going......always...

I DID THE WOE TONIGHT AND IT GOT ME THINKING...

Well , tonight I hosted the WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT on Bonanzle...My theme for the night was HUMOR...for the first 40 minutes or so I was by myself ..posting funny graphics..some of Maxine, some silly quotes ..silly jokes I had in my files..then people started coming in and enjoying what they were reading and maybe getting a chuckle ofr a laugh along the way...they came back in with a funny joke ..their stories. and funny graphics...I laughed at some, I chuckled at others...havent even read the whole thread yet..and I'm going to save it in my favorites in case one day I need a laugh or a smile...it feels good to do that every now and then ..Laughter is good...got me to thinking that I really don't laugh enough..I may smile...or giggle or chuckle...but I havent really laughed in a good long time...and I think a nice good laugh would do me good...feels good on the face...like everything is lightened and lifted...feels nice to laugh....

DO WE STILL FIT IN???

The story of my life is a long and interesting one...I would think..I'm not getting into all that now...but today I realized something I wasn't aware of...Bobby is my oldest and he is white...the other 3 are bi-racial .I was aware of that..lol...when we moved here as a family 30 years ago it was like we almost fit in..not right in...but it was cool..noone really bothered us and that was long ago...we went about life...kids went to multiracial schools and all became well adjusted kids...Bobby was a bit of a hoot from the age of 14...he rebelled and I dont think it was because he was in biracial suroundings as far as our family went...I was a bit of a rebel myself and came from a great childhood and wonderful parents and grandparents...normal home life..anyway. about Bobby...hes the only one left here with me ...his white mama..so now here we are 2 white people in a predominetly black neighborhood...theres a few whites ...and a few Chinese and a few Puerto ricans scattered about...and its a middle class hard working neighborhood...Middle America...I've been "MOM" to many of the kids from the neighborhood over the years...most hung at my house playing video games rather than going out in the streets...bobby had been going to the store since he was 5..we were in a different neighborhood then...but he did it..hes now 38 and hes still going to the store...he still wants a list ,,,like always...As he was getting ready to go to the store today..I said,"Just pick up a few things and hurry back,"..I worry I always worry not because of the neighborhood per say...but there are people maybe not from the neighborhood that may not know Bobby...but he let me know that he doesnt even realize he's white when he goes to the store because everyone has known him for the last 30 years in this neighborhood and he fits right in...But I still worry.....I would really like to sell this house and move to a ranch home ..because of my arthritis and not being able to walk..being on one floor would be ideal...most of this house is being wasted because I can't go up and down the stairs...so I never get to the kitchen..Bobby cooks for me and helps me...but I can't really afford it by myself anymore...my bills are exceeding my income...only time will tell...!!!